Speaking of sad things

I hate to begin a weekend this way, but there has been something weighing on me for, well, for weeks now. I am unsure as to how I can broach this subject. You see, it involves people I love very much. They have been unknowingly hurting my feelings for a very long time now. This is a hurt that fades when I am away from their home, but as soon as I go back for a visit, it pierces my heart with breathtaking intensity.

You see, it's my mother and father in law.

They are kind, sweet, loving and generous people, (hi Mom and Dad!) but every time we go to their house, I am faced with this, this, emotional turmoil. They don't know it, but it's really all their fault. I hate confrontations, so have not brought this to their attention, but it is time. Time to broach the subject, no matter how hurtful, no matter how terrible it is. So, deep breath, here goes.

Mom, Dad, your guest bathroom mirror is too large.

You see, my bathroom mirror is a polite, small mirror. My mirror reflects my face, my neck and collar bone. My mirror allows me to believe that my post-four children, not enough exercise, too much eating body, emerges from the shower looking like this:

Mom, Dad, your mirror does me no such favors. Your mirror extends from the top of the head to way too far down . Your mirror has a strange warp, which I am sure is the reason that when I emerge from the shower I am faced with this:

Being faced with the obvious untruth of what I really look like is a terrible way to start any day. I know, Mom and Dad, that you did not choose this mirror specifically for these reasons, but it needs to stop. I can hardly manage to look at myself in your big, warped, lying mirror. I could exercise more, I could diet, but what I really want is for you to replace that mirror. Preferably with something small, round and placed at eye level.

Because the only thing Kathy Bates and I have in common is that if my beloved were to ever try and leave me, I will smash his ankles with a sledgehammer and hide him away from the world on my secluded farm.

Oh yes I will.